Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

3 Components: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment

Intimacy is the emotional component. This involves your significant other's ability to show warmth, tender expressions, respectful communication, expressions of concern about the other's well being, and a desire for the partner to reciprocate. This stage also involves a high level of trust and vulnerability.

Passion is the desire for sexual activity, that irresistible drive, the um, well, the I want to make babies with you kind of feeling. Romance! The physical and psychological arousal component. Chemistry!

Commitment is the cognitive component, leading partners to decide if they are in love and if they want to maintain that love. It is also reported that those who consistently express their commitment report a higher-quality and longer lasting relationship. Women have a higher psychological need to mentally process their desire for a certain mate. Women like to commit to men who they perceive as intelligent, ambitious, have a secure financial status, and high moral character. While men tend to base their commitment on physical attraction and a female's domestic qualities.

So what about this Passionate Love? I believe that an updated term would be "chemistry." In the beginning of a relationship this is strong, really strong. Unfortunately, passion declines and individuals show more favor towards intimacy and commitment. Early passion is a strong predictor for the relationship. However without having all 3 parts of the triangle, most romances will break. Passion is also a strong predictor of sexual compatibility, unless individuals prematurely ... before intimacy and commitment have been attained.

Couples whose relationships endure, generally report that they love each other more than they did earlier. This involves a mutual warmth, care, attentiveness, empathy, acceptance and respect of the other person.

Another study indicated that those who had an ability for constructive conflict resolution (directly expressing wishes and needs, listening patiently, asking for clarification, compromising, accepting responsibility, and avoiding escalation of negative interaction sparked by criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) reported a higher-quality relationship.

How men handle conflict is of particular importance because they tend to be less skilled than women at negotiating and they often avoid "we need to talk" discussions.

Thoughts? Think this theory is spot on or a waste of education material?

I know for sure that I am highly skilled at the art of getting my way ... I mean negotiation.

Studying for Finals and I will Be Tested on this Theory - wish me luck,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Pop Quiz Friday

From Laver, J., and Laver, R. Published in Psychology Today: Marriages Made to Last. List in order of frequency (1-5) the top 5 reasons women and men typically give for their marriages having lasted over the years.

First fill out what you think WOMEN would say, then what you think MEN would say.

____ An enduring marriage is important to social stability

____ We laugh together

____ I want the relationship to succeed

____ I like my spouse as a person

____ My spouse has grown more interesting

____ We agree about our sex life

____ Marriage is a long-term commitment

____ My spouse is my best friend

____ I am proud of my spouse's achievements

____ Marriage is sacred

____ We agree on aims and goals

____ We agree on a philosophy of life

____ We agree on how and how often to show affection

____ We discuss things calmly

____ We have a stimulating exchange of ideas

Post your answers in the comment box - let's see who can get them right!

Peace out,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Love Lies

Last night in Lifespan class we discussed the cognitive levels of the human brain. Somehow we got on the topic of giving advice (no, it wasn't me) and I said: "In counseling, we are taught that you aren't supposed to give advice." The teacher said, "Yes, you are supposed to help people learn how to solve their own problems." Then I said, "well I'm confused, haven't we just spent the last month talking about the adolescent brain and how their brains are not yet developmentally ready for such complex thinking?" ** Bonus points for me!!!

Nevertheless, we all know I think advice is a good idea. Hello? Are you coming to seek my help just to whine? Did you know I lost points on my group session because I lack empathy? Shocker! Kapowie Theory in action - if you want help then be prepared to change. Changing is tough. Life is brutal! I cried about the brutality of life two days ago. BUT if you don't like the way things are going, then choose something different.

When someone says: "what do you think, or I don't know what to do, or I'm so lost and depressed," you bet just as my hound will dig in the dirt today, I'm going to give you some options. Why? Because I've probably experienced something similar or I've seen someone in a similar situations. I am always watching and learning...

Now that we've cleared things up, let me talk more about what has prompted me to write today because I've been losing some sleep ranting about this topic. I recently purchased a copy of Seventeen Magazine. I wanted to know what teen girls are reading these days. We'll call it creative research. I quickly found the section, Love Life where older guys (like 18) will answer the burning love questions of 15-16 year old girls. One 16 year-old girl writes: "How can you tell if a guy is using you for sex?" The 18-year old guy responds, "Here's the test: Talk to him about something deeper than the usual stuff, like your future goals. If you have a great conversation, he's into you emotionally. If he's not paying attention during your serious talk, he just wants sex."

Excuse me while I vomit and laugh simultaneously. I'm just thinking about the girl that reads this, believes this, then she calls her BF and says something like: let's talk about your future goals and then he says ... like having sex on Friday or Saturday or both?

Now for the Kapowie - you can never ever tell if a guy is using you for sex. You can NOT HAVE SEX and if he sticks around ... yep, you guessed it, he's into you for more than sex.

This truth applies to any age.

Sleeping Better Now,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Bad Driving Friend

Dear Annie. I don't know where else to put this question, but I would like for you to give me some advice concerning a friend of mine. My friend's name is Sarah, and we get along great, even though it is sort of a new friendship. There is only one major problem, and she doesn't even know about it. You see, my friend Sarah likes to drive. Which isn't a big deal, really. It's just that she SUCKS at driving. She drives way too slow when we're running late for things, constantly stays in the wrong lane until the last minute (i.e., we're going to be turning left yet she stays in the right lane the whole way) and then causes a big traffic jam trying to get over (this happens a lot). She is basically the type of driver that I yell at on the road when I'm on my on.

I know what you're thinking - just don't ride with her. But that's easier said than done! There are times when it's awkward for me to suggest driving because she'll say, "I'll swing by and pick you up." I have suggested driving before, and sometimes that works, but not always... I mean, what am I supposed to do, insist on driving EVERY TIME? It makes for an awkward situation, especially when she is fairly insistent on driving.

Keep in mind this is a fairly new friendship and Sarah is pretty sensitive, I think. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I might blow a gasket next time I have to ride with her.

Sincerely,
Conflicted in Texas

Dear Conflicted in Texas,

This is a tricky situation. I don't like to ride in the car with bad drivers either! How stressful!

You might try a softball approach. What if you used the Pace, Pace, Pace, Lead theory? This means you say three nice comments and then lower the boom (ie. Lead). You might try saying, "Sarah, I really appreciate you going out of your way to pick me up, you are such a considerate friend, and I'm really excited about our new friendship; however, I have a lot of anxiety when riding in the car with other people. I've tried to get over it, but I'm just not being successful. Do you mind if we meet there or if I drive?"

Another approach is just don't be available to hitch a ride. You're already out running errands or you have to do something afterwards? Have you tried any of those excuses? I don't know how often you guys ride together but it doesn't sound like she's going to become a better driver anytime soon.

So yes, I suppose you would have to insist on driving every time or refuse the offer for her to pick you up. Is your safety compromised? If so, then you really need to consider what your safety is worth? A few hurt feelings or a car accident? Only you can make that decision.

One final thought, you seem pretty worked up about riding in the car with this person? However I don't understand why you would stress so much without expressing your concerns? Are you afraid of losing her as a friend because admitting that you can't stand her driving is too much for a friendship to handle? This causes me to question your idea of friendship? Do you feel like you have to walk on egg shells with this girl? I would spend sometime thinking about the kind of friendship you want with girls while developing new relationships.

Don't blow a gasket - it's just not worth it! Speak up! Be sensitive with your words and sensitive to your needs!

Calling my Friends to Make Sure I'm Not A Bad Driver,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Taking the Lead in Relationships

"Becca" made a poignant comment yesterday about my post Primitive versus Modern Relationships. She states, "We women have taken mens' roles away from them to the point where they no longer know how to be leaders and heads of our homes. We've insisted on having our way and quit respecting our men and then we wonder why they don't make an effort." Note - this is just a small excerpt of a broader point that she was trying to make. However, I want to talk about this point for a moment . . .

I'm a child of divorce and my Mother was forced into a lead role. This kind of example tends to stick with a person. I have learned through dating and my own family that it was not the case where the women did not respect the men - it was the men who were not worthy of respect. Consider this for a moment - maybe women took the lead role because men were not taking responsibility.

Pondering,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Primitive versus Modern Relationships

We have modernized past tar covered rodents to hopefully, Godiva covered chocolates. However, have we stopped to consider what has been lost in our modern era of relationships in our desire for equality?

Women's rights, the push for equality, a desire and determination to be equal with man, etc. Hi, I'm Annie, a stubborn woman who usually takes the lead on most activities . . . admission is the first step, right?

So I'm wondering, have we modernized past some of the good that came with primitive relationship behavior? Part of building a relationship foundation is discovering our roles within the relationship. I've heard: "It's a partnership and the man takes the lead." This is, well, kind of hard for me. I'm still learning and am willing to hear your thoughts!

Please Bring Godiva Chocolates Thank You,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Post-Traumatic Break-Up Loss Syndrome

Dear Annie,

Well, thank you for the great advice from before. Ultimately I had to end things with her and it was the hardest thing that I have EVER done. I have never been with someone that has been so sweet and kind. I hated how I felt. Even though we weren't a great romantic match, I miss her terribly because she has been my best friend for the last 9 months. I know that I have hurt her, but I still want her as a friend, and I know how selfish that sounds. I know what you are going to say is to give her space and let her decide if she wants to still be a friend to me - I just feel very lonely right now because my life has revolved around her, and I let her go. I am not regretting my decision, just thinking that she was a great friend to me, and that I miss her.
I'm sure these feelings are normal and will pass with time............... but I don't have many close friends here since I moved in from another state. I'm a just a mess, and I hope this all passes really soon. We are meeting next week to exchange personal items that were left with each other. Would it be appropriate to tell her I still want to be friends with her and to invite her to call me whenever she feels comfortable? Or, do I just let this one go? - Confused in California

Dear Confused in California,

It sounds like you are feeling the ho hums post break-up. You are right though - this is a typical reaction. It rarely matters who breaks-up with who . . . there is usually a Post-Traumatic Break-Up Loss Syndrome. It is common to focus on your own personal loss and the dissolution of not only a romantic love, but also an intimate friendship.

So you're left wondering, could I keep the friendship? Can I at least have that? In my personal life, I have never been able to stay friends post break-up. Don't think I didn't try! I discovered you cannot have a friendship once you cross the romantic boundary. What are you going to do later once you each start to date someone else? Double date? Dissolve the friendship because there is someone new? Also, how will the new significant other feel? Imagine this future conversation from your significant other, "you're still friends with your ex and we are all getting together Saturday night?" Even if you completely realize that the two of you are not meant to be future partners together, that does not change the fact that you once were intimately involved, a kind of intimacy that is reserved for lovers.

I don't know if you've already met. If you've already asked her to be friends? I can tell you that whatever you decide or do in the future, please consider her heart. Do not leave any doors open for a romantic relationship. Do not give her hope that you might change your mind. She might think that since you want to be friends, maybe one day you will want more again? I know you are sad, but right now it is best to focus on other things. Don't use her as your fall back friend. Make new friends and get involved in the community. Try focusing on something other than your feelings. Perhaps consider volunteering - giving always helps the heart.

Anyone else out there suffering from Post-Traumatic Break-Up Loss Syndrome?

Thanks for Writing,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

Show Me the Truth

Dear Annie,

Ahh Annie, how odd that you bring this up. My bf and I have been dating for a year now. We were friends for about 6 months prior to that, he's the brother of my best friend. There is a distance issue, however we had agreed once that we felt we were "the one" for each other. But..now that the big M word has come up, he says he doesn't know for sure, he doesn't think everyone just KNOWS. Soooo confusing...

Dear Friend,

Thanks for writing and I'm sorry it took so long to respond! Grad school has been brutal this week. I am alive and I have been thinking about your question. I had previously mentioned in my article, "Foundation - Make It or Break It" concerning the distance factor and dating. I stated that if a couple is more that 2 hours away from each other that learning each other's true self can be compromised. How do you really know someone when you spend little to no time together? Can you really build a relationship over phone conversations and e-mail?

I personally like to spend a lot of time with people in order to truly detect one's character traits. There is so much to learn from watching someone's behavior versus just listening to what they "say" their behavior will be. Where is the evidence? Favorite statement: "Show me the truth!" I do put some weight in words . . . but not much.

So where does this leave you? You have a distance issue. Any plans to resolve this? Anyone willing to move closer?

You mentioned the "M" word came up. You're talking marriage? How did this word come up? I hope to goodness you didn't bring it up! Uh oh! You did? Oh dear, well don't panic. After all you did mutually agree that each other was "the one." I suppose you felt there was some weight in those words. However have you seen any action? Has he made any plans? If a guy wants to marry you, or if he wants to "know" more information before making that decision . . . he's going to take action.

Of course there can always be the X factor. The X factor is something that is not obvious, for example: he's a child of divorce and he has serious fear issues surrounding commitment. It is important to search for X factors.

Bottom line, he doesn't know. Can you live with that? Are YOU content waiting around to see if he climbs back up the ladder of commitment?

By the way you can't push someone to "know."

Take Care of Yourself,

Annie and Intuitive Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

A Funny

I'm studying and I haven't had time to respond to the questions in my comment box. Plus Lucas is drawing!

Quiz on Wednesday and a test on Thursday

Think of me,

Annie

Foundation Building - Make It or Break It

You've been dating about a month . . . now what? I guess he or she is still around and you haven't tossed the fish back (See Fishing . . . A Dating Story) into the dating pool. 

You are building a foundation and the guy is leading you, wait, he's leading you . . . ok if the guy is in the "lead" does he even know where he is leading? 

I said from the beginning that the guy needs to initiate the dating process and that he needs to set up dates etc. Well now what? You've been dating for about a month, kissing like there's no tomorrow and you're not crossing any physical boundaries. So where is this "thing" going?

If you're building a good foundation you should have an understanding of your date's values, family life, work life, goals, and lifestyle. However let me remind you that everything is usually happy go lucky in the first month of dating. It is month numbers 2 and 3 that are critical developmental stages for any relationship.

I call it: Foundation Building - Make It or Break It. 

A person's true identity will start to reveal itself in the next months. Beware! Keep your eyes open! You may wake up, screaming in the night, only to realize . . . OMG!!! They're not really for me! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ok calm down. Deep breathes. I don't want to scare you!

My point - keep your perspective and enjoy learning about the other person. Learning about another person takes time. Do not rush the process. Do not rush to understand "where is this thing going?"

Guys: Do not push the girl. Just because you're in the lead role does not mean that she has to follow your pace.

On a side note . . . sometimes people just "know" whether you are on a first date, third date, or 6th month date . . . 

Do we have any "I knew the night we met" dating stories? When do you think that a person should "know?"

Happy Dating,

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak

P.S. This discussion does not apply to people who are in a long distance relationship i.e. over 2 hours away from each other.

Love Language

In the early stages of dating you are working on building a foundation/friendship. This concept did not make any sense to me until I had to live it and do it. So in keeping with this foundation building idea, my guy and I set out to the bookstore. We decided to read what this Love Language book is really talking about. I've heard about these Love Languages from friends and then recently I found out that my Godmother taught a class on it. 

Here are the 5 Love Languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. 

I think that these are all very nice languages. I like them all. The book wants you to choose what you like to give and what you like to receive. If you get what you need and give what you like then this will fill your personal Love Tank.

Oh dear, I can't continue . . . pause for laughter. 

Ok I am collected. After all I am a grad student! I can review junk theories and write research papers discussing different perspectives for hours. 

Seriously - how did this stuff make it as a New York Times Best Seller? I am so confused? Please someone help me!!! I need advice! Have I missed the boat?

In my opinion I will need all 5 languages at any given moment. 

Don't even start to think that I just need words of affirmation to fill up a tank. Nope! I'm a complex women! I want it all!!! I couldn't even answer the quiz at the end of this book - I kept saying, "both, both, both, both."

My New York Times Best Seller book will be discussing . . .

What kind of person will fill your love tank

1. A person who respects your wants, desires, and feelings.

2. A selfless person.

3. A grateful person.

4. A person who has integrity.

5. A person who loves you and realizes that the word "love" should be a verb and not a noun.

Relationships aren't going to work if you just give 20% i.e. - "you're the greatest (affirmation statement) and there is your word of the day - is your love tank full?"

Nope sorry but one day I may need words of affirmation and the next I may want to spend some quality time with my significant other! Plus how could I possibly choose any of those other languages over touching? Are we not going to hold hands because I actually would like you to help me do the dishes tonight (acts of service)?

100 percent

- Annie

How Do We Slip? - A Guy's Perspective

After discussing my latest blog "Slipsies," I decided to continue my research and gain a little information from a guy's perspective.

Annie: So, how do you think people, with the best of intentions, end up crossing boundaries?

Guy: Well, from what I've seen, you both need to be willing to not cross boundaries. If a guy pushes a girl every time he is with her, or is constantly pushing the envelope she will probably eventually give in . . .

Annie: That's a little easy don't you think? Guy's are that irresistible? 

Guy: If you put the guy in a "lead" role, and you are looking to him to guide the relationship and you want to make him happy . . . all of a sudden you may find yourself being guided down the wrong path.

Annie: SO IT's ALL THE GUY's FAULT!?!?

Guy: It does take two . . . but you rarely have a girl pushing and begging a guy. Of course there will be girls who will push for sex - but maybe she is pushing for a reason. Maybe she wants more from the relationship and she is trying to connect through sex to get the commitment she wants. A guy doesn't try to further a relationship through sex, they just want sex. 

Annie: What about this thing where girls want sex just as much as guys? What if they are pushing guys for sex?

Guy: (Laughing) Are you kidding? You watch too many movies. I mean I have had girls come on to me but geez . . . why is she so forward? Sounds kind of desperate. (Laughs again) 

Annie: So would it work? Is it a turn on?

Guy: Look we like sex, sex is great . . . but its not going to make us like you. 

Annie: Tell me more . . .

Guy: Bottom line - we are human, sometimes we make a bad call or a bad impromptu decision because you're so hot and I want you . . . ultimately you're not mine and the girl should be worth the wait. I've got sisters and I can't imagine just using a girl because I was feeling a little lonely or because she was smokin hot. 

Annie: Worth the wait.

Guy: Oh yeah and he breaks the girl's trust. If you are trusting a guy to lead, whether starting a relationship or you are in a relationship, and he leads you down this path where he gets to play around with your body - how can you trust him? Especially if he was in agreement on waiting in the first place. 

Annie: So in summary - you find a person who believes you are worth the wait, then as a girl, you wait to see if the guy really means it?

Guy: Pretty much. Does he respect you? Is he trustworthy? Is he good on his word? Girls get manipulated into thinking that its their fault that the guy caved. Nope. Those girls just bought a bill of goods. We can control ourselves. I'm not an animal. And I would want her to think of me as a strong man who could control himself.

Well you heard it from a guy's perspective ladies. So girls - don't shoot yourself in the foot. You're worth the wait.

Any thoughts? I love hearing different perspectives! 

Annie 

P.S. Guys - you're cover is blown! ;)

Slipsies

Ok so what happens if you do stick your toe in the water, take a swipe of icing off the cake, partake in a little "Honeymoonin" before you are actually on a Honeymoon? 

Confession: I'm a snoop. I like to look in other people's journals . . . especially when I am bored. I call it psychological exploration of random journals lying around when I need educational material ASAP! Ok there is no excuse, and I do not advise snooping. Hey I'm not perfect! That is why I'm trying to help you - so you can learn from my blunders or the people's lives I've invaded . . . I'll share those mishaps too. 

So here I am alone with the journal of a friend. This friend spent a lot of time telling me how it was such a bad idea to have sex before marriage and in fact they even told some people they were waiting to have their first kiss at the alter on the day they said "I Do." However I knew they were a smoochin so that was not a surprise. What was a surprise is what I read in one of their journals one day. So they didn't have intercourse but they were certainly taking a few swipes of icing off the cake - if you know what I mean!

Now what was my next thought? You guessed it - I scoffed. Now don't get me wrong - like I said I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to ride the high horse. I'm just saying . . .

Yesterday we talked about not having intercourse . . . but rarely does anyone talk about not doing other "stuff" (ie. swiping icing off the cake, dipping toes in the water).

Does it still cause painful damage? Does it harm the future of the relationship? I did here one statement of particular interest from a girl who had done a few things before she got married. She said, "the wedding night was not a surprise." Plus are you going to be like my friends and misrepresent yourself to your friends? 

Maybe we can just be honest with ourselves. It would be glorious and oh so fun to explore physical chemistry right? On the other hand maybe now is the time to explore the friendship/love part of the relationship - work on the foundation. 

I like order . . .

Annie

Crossing Barriers

Oh I guess we are on about date four . . . because we've already talked about sex and by date four I've already figured out whether or not a guy is interested in sex or me. 

I have had numerous guys say that they cannot develop an intimate relationship without engaging in some sort of sexual activity. Whether you are a guy or girl who believes this is true, let me set the record straight. You cannot achieve true intimacy if you do engage in a sexual activity before an actual commitment has been formed. Actual commitment means the white dress, the "I Do's" a little circle thing that goes round your left hand, oh and you'll need someone to officiate the ceremony. 

What happens if you do get a little frisky a little too early?

Having a physical relationship with someone creates a bond. You can either be aware of the bond or you can pretend that you are above letting your heart feel. 

What if you've decided that you are going to marry the other person, you're sure, you're engaged, blah blah, you're IN LOVE! You can have sex right? 

I knew a girl that was engaged and thought she had found the man that would make all of her dreams come true! They dated for a while and she was certain that he was the "one." So she didn't see any harm in having sex. He didn't really see any harm in it either.

They grew up believing that sex before marriage was not Biblical. However they rationalized this decision. They didn't understand the painful consequences. The girl realized that she wanted to postpone the marriage and so she called off the engagement - wanting more time. He broke up with her because for him it was marriage or nothing. It took them around six years to tear apart the connection. He even left town, but they stayed in touch. She dated other people but they paled in comparison. He would come back to town and the feelings of love and loss were overwhelming. She said, "the spell that has been cast on my heart won't break." In fact, the spell didn't break until the day when his best-friend called to tell the girl that her ex fiance was engaged to another woman. Her heart finally felt the last rip after many tears and years.  

So I know that things may look harmless, you can move the flimsy barrier that separates you from the cool water, you can even dip your toe in the creek . . . but you might not know the depths of that water on the other side.

Staying On Dry Land,

Annie

Put On Your Big Girl Panties! Part II

Hi there. I wrote the question for your blog "Put on Your Big Girl Panties." Thanks for your response and no, i didn't happen to see your question asking if we had children. Rereading my question i realised i didn't give you many details! This may help put things in prospective:We were married just over 4 years ago and promptly moved across the country for my husband to go to grad school. 2 years into a 4 year program i was bored lonely and unfilled career-wise. So i moved back across the country, to a new state to start grad school. 1 year into my 2 year program and my husband moves to europe to start his career-- something we both dreamed of. I'm now at the point in my grad program that i've moved to europe with him but am writing my thesis. However, i feel that if i stay here in europe, and he wants to stay for many many years, i will always be following his career and making due with whatever i can to entertain myself. Meanwhile i have a very promising career ahead of myself, not to mention my family, back in the U.S. He would move back to the U.S. in a few years for me but he has amazing opportunites here in europe and has said he would move back for me but would rather stay in europe. i feel our lives are pulling us in different directions and i need to choose between pursuing my dreams and being a wife. We've tried counseling, i've looked into furthering my education here, i've enrolled in language classes to make friends, but nothing is helping me like the idea of staying here. I'm stressed, i don't sleep well, i've been on my period for 4 weeks and i'm depressed. thanks for helping/listening. P.S. No kids!

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I am so glad to hear that you tried counseling too. I don't know if you gleaned anything from the experience, but I think it shows great courage that you are trying. It is not easy to get up and "fight" for the love you want and the love you have. You have experienced an incredible journey with your husband already. Traveling and living in a foreign country takes great faith and strength. I hope that you both have taken a moment to look at your amazing journey. 

I feel compelled to share a story with you. I don't know all the details because the story is about a coworker. She was married and raised two adult children. Her husband lived and worked in Europe. She would travel to see him and he would travel to see her. Last year, he planned to end his career in Europe. I believe that she very much wanted him to choose her over his career. Before he could even move back he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I believe he survived 5 months beyond that news. He immediately moved back to the US and lived out his final days with his wife and family.

We do not always know where our choices in life will lead us. It is wonderful that your husband would move back to the US with you in a couple of years. Perhaps this can be your time to sacrifice and he will sacrifice later? Why won't you let him make that sacrifice? I know you are tired and depressed - but I sense that you are a fighter! Things are not going very well for you right now, but look how far you two have come! Maybe your choices do not have to be as black and white as: wife or career? Maybe you can have both! Maybe just not all at one time. What if you considered this difficult time a passing season? 

Sometimes we come to a fork in the road. When we are the one standing there facing this choice, it is hard to see. Usually at this fork we are experiencing intense pain and thinking clearly is difficult. Ultimately we just want the pain to stop - we want to take the road that will lead to the end of the pain, but which way do we choose? Your choice is not a simple answer. However I can bring it down to the foundation of the choice - you either choose you (your needs, your wants, your life) or you choose the "us," the marriage. The marriage - the love in-between the two of you. Do you want to save the marriage? Do you want to fight for the love that holds the two of you together? 

That is your only question. Yes or No - is the marriage more important than "you?" 

Once you answer that question - everything will change. You will have made a choice. 

Always Here,

Annie

Build Your Hand or Fold Your Cards

Whats up Annie? Love your blog, read it all the time! You give great advice.

Here we go.............. I'm 30, my gf is 24 and we've been together for just over 8 months. Things were great at the beginning, but the relationship is beginning to become a drag. I hate to say that! Not to get ahead of myself, but I'm a pretty awesome boyfriend, I do everything for her - I'm the kind of guy that always loves to have a good time, I'm up for anything and I love to have fun. I text and email her regularly. I always open doors for her. I call her daily. I'm just BA. She's awesome, too, but we have some big differences. She saves money, I spend money. I'm obsessively positive and she's a downer. And that's the biggest problem! Every week it's the same thing... "I just need to get through this week....." and I enjoy everyday and I love being busy. When she is busy, she complains about it, when she has a free day she complains that she's bored.... what's the deal?? Lately, she's been dealing with some major stress issues, because she's always stressin' about how busy she is, being really negative. So, when we go out, she's tired, or will complain about what's going on and I am the total opposite.. I look for the positives and use those moments to help me though extra busy times. I love life and want to enjoy it, but it's becoming harder and harder with her........... I feel bad for her because she is a very sweet girl and is very happy with me and tells me that all of the time, but I don't know how much more I can take. I know i deserve better but I hate to do something drastic if she's already dealing with some stress and is always depressed. She also has some self-confidence issues. She doesn't believe in herself at all :( I know some of this has to do with age.... 24, shes just out of college, trying to figure out who she wants to be and learning to be independent..... What do you think??? Thanks, keep up the great articles! MAKE IT AN OUTSTANDING DAY! P.S. This is not the way it has always been. Its been getting worse since before christmas. Things were great at the beginning (aren't they always??). ;) - Confused in California

Dear Confused in California,

Thank you for the compliments! It made my heart leap! I can tell you are a really positive guy - your enthusiasm practically jumps off the page! It makes sense that you would not want someone to stifle your super awesome mood and outlook on life. 

It is obvious to state that your age difference could cause some difficulties. She is at a difficult place in life trying to figure out next steps. You are settled, established and have devised more of a sense of self. Are you willing to wait for her to grow beyond this state in life?

The next questions center around her growth. Have you discussed your feelings with her? Have you tried to help her overcome her difficult situation? Many times people do not know how to handle stress. It seems like you've got some great qualities that may assist her in looking towards the positive. However if you cannot communicate your successful habits without her feeling like you are giving her an ultimatum, then this won't work. For example you don't want to say, "If you don't stop being such a negative downer then this isn't going to work, totally cramping my style - you need to be more like me!" You might try saying: "I'm really struggling here, because I don't know how to help you through this stressful time. I want to help you find more joy. Are you happy with the way things are going right now?" 

Maybe you want to look at more of the positives in the relationship . . . like do you share the same values? Thoughts about raising children? Do you have things in common? I know money is an issue, but saving in these times right now might not be such a bad philosophy? It could be worse - what if she just wanted you to spend all your money on her? Like she was a gold digger or something? 

I am also struck by the fact that you have been together for 8 months. This is a long time in my book. Do you love her? Why have things lasted so long if she is such a downer? I believe that the first month in a relationship is usually great . . . but after that the "work" begins. Unless, you've been "Honeymoonin" before you should have been, ah hem, "Honeymoonin."

Ultimately, I actually think you kind of want out. You've played the card and now the card is boring. You are thinking about having exciting fun times with someone new. Sure she's a "sweet girl" but you're just not feeling it right now and you think that you "deserve better." I don't think it is going to be easier to drag this relationship out any longer, if you're not willing to work through this with her . . . even if she is currently going through a hard time right now. Waiting for the "right time" to end things will only increase her pain. So either hold em or fold em.

Let Me Know What Happens,

- Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak    

Put On Your Big Girl Panties!

Annie, I have a question. I am about your age (couple years older) and have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 4.5. Every cell in my body is screaming that I no longer want to be married. He's great but we got married young and i feel my life is leading me somewhere else. I saw in your archives that you left a fiance. If I could slip away without any consequences, I would. But I'm dreading breaking his heart. How do I deal with the responsibility of breaking someone's heart? (not to mention my family's heart!) thanks. - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for sharing your difficult decision. You posted your question underneath my blog, "Inner Peace . . . Inner Speak." I asked if you had any children and where you thought life was leading you. Perhaps you didn't see my question to you but you did not respond. So I will, as promised, answer your question as requested. 

I did leave a fiance. It was a decision that caused pain for six years post break-up (for both parties). We were together for 1.5 years total. I cannot imagine the pain of leaving someone after 6 years with a marriage that has lasted 4.5 years. As a child of divorce (so I hope to goodness you don't have kids) I did witness first hand the lasting effects of divorce. After 20 years of marriage my Dad left my Mom. This decision caused lasting effects and I cannot begin to calculate.  The damage touched me, my mother, family, and friends - everyone is affected by the pain of divorce. 

I think it is a good sign that you are already recognizing how you will deal with the guilt of breaking your husband's heart. Does he even know you are thinking about leaving? Have you tried counseling? My Aunt Kitten would say: "It's time to put on your big girl panties and not walk away from problems but deal with them!" Why can't your husband join you where life is leading? What if we look at other options? What if you don't have to break your heart, his heart, and your families' hearts? 

I realize that I have limited information about your situation. But when someone mentions divorce to me every cell in my body screams "NOOOOO!" 

You said that your husband was "great" but that you just got married too young. Do you know how many "great" guys I've dated since I was young? One (no, not my ex-fiance). I have been dating steadily since age 17 and have dated probably close to 50 guys. That number decreases each year that I date. The pool gets much smaller as you age. So I feel compelled to tell you that the grass may not be greener and that you may have gotten lucky to find someone at a young age. 

I am sorry that you are dealing with heavy issues right now. I am glad and hopeful for you because it does sound like you really do care and love your husband. I hope that you will see if perhaps the two of you can explore new avenues together and that you will not have to endure the pain of divorce . . . with consequences unknown. 

Warm Hope for Your Future, 

Annie and Artwork by Lucas Antoniak 

You Don't Have to Buy the Cow

Traveling two weekends ago I saw a sign in a Georgia gas station for a new ad campaign for milk, "You Don't Have to Buy the Cow." My Yankee companion did not understand my amusement over this ad. I immediately replied: "Haven't you ever heard the statement, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

So for those of you who don't know what this statement really means . . . Why buy (marry) the cow (girl) when you can get the milk (sex) for free? 

Good question. Could this explain why guys expect me to have sex by the third date or somewhere there around it? Could this explain why so many people live together and women just keep waiting and giving all of themselves with no promise of a future? Could this explain all the unmarried single mothers? 

I guess guys don't have to buy the cow anymore.

Mooooore tomooooooorow,

Annie

Telling Stories

One of the things that I dislike about dating is having to tell "your story" again and again and again. You don't want to tell too much. You don't want to tell too little because then you're being shady. Yet you are going to have to share parts of your life . . . Wow this really doesn't leave much to talk about?

To tell or not to tell - my guidelines.

1. Don't talk about your ex-boyfriends. By the way - I am sooo guilty of this one! There are so many fun stories! I just can't help myself sometimes. 

2. Don't talk about family drama.

3. Friend drama like: oh you wouldn't not believe what my girl friend said to me the other day . . . because then the guy will tune you out and all he will hear is blah blah blah blah. 

4. Sex. I try to make it through the first date without talking about sex. However sometimes the guy backs me into a corner and I am forced to tell him - No hanky panky here! 

It is sad that I have to bring up the topic of sex so soon in our fictional dating scenarios . . . but I mostly (round 90%) receive request for sex starting from the 1st to 3rd dates - verbally, in a restaurant, an after dinner drink, or on the way to dinner.

What stories do you leave off in your initial dating experiences?

We'll Chew the Fat Later,

- Annie

Smoochin

Mrs. Mitchell, my 80 year-old neighbor that lived next to me during my undergraduate years in college would say, "Honey if he can't smooch and plant a good one on you then dump him! I married a bad kisser, God rest his soul, I loved him, but bless his heart he could not kiss!" 

Those words have stuck with me. 

I always advise people not to kiss on a first date. However I usually kiss on the first date. Gasp! Shock! Awe!

Wait I promise I have an excuse! I blame Mrs. Mitchell. I blame the bad kissers! Why continue dating if it is terrible?

 A good kiss doesn't mean that things will be kismet. It doesn't mean that you will be walking down the aisle soon. It doesn't even mean that you will have a second date. 

I think that sometimes the moment will strike, the parking lot lights will shine and you will be struck with a can't leave feeling, can't move, can't budge without my lips touching yours . . . 

To smooch or not to smooch on a first date? 

No Comment,

Annie